tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56789452012-02-16T05:28:13.890-05:00MB now in convenient book form: www.drinktothelasses.com.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comBlogger10931100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-71336809392520241042008-02-17T16:01:00.004-05:002008-02-17T16:29:53.369-05:00

The new BlondeChampagne is now here. We be WordPressin'. Past posts are safely archived, and I'm working on re-forwarding the domain name. I'm leaving this site here under the blogspot title, with a link over at the new platform. Comments to this page will no longer be published, so if you wish to sound off, do carry your air horn to the new cellar.Now scat. Take the Champagne flutes and the

Josh The Pilothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210441486571821331noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-25723849477770945642008-02-16T18:46:00.003-05:002008-02-16T21:42:48.576-05:00

I don't quite know what's going down here, but BlondeChampagne is slowly dying-- every time I check in, a few more images are gone, a few more commands disabled. Five years of writing and comments might be circling the electronic drain, a thing so winceable I haven't even bothered having a panic attack about it before. But here it is.I'm in the process of backing up the files of the entire blog

Josh The Pilothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210441486571821331noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-57650260363536409302008-02-15T22:42:00.003-05:002008-02-15T23:43:33.586-05:00

Hello, everyone. This is Not Josh The Pilot. This is, in fact, Mary Beth. Why am I, then, signed in as my husband? Because, sensing that I had placed far too much emphasis on the second half of the name of this site, today I somehow managed to lock myself out of MY OWN BLOG.I'm not entirely sure how it happened, but I was deleting a junk Gmail email account I'd created, and in the process

Josh The Pilothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210441486571821331noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-56624367053749589142008-02-14T01:44:00.000-05:002008-02-15T01:46:16.251-05:00

you knew me in high school?Me neither.big foam numbers can't hide the shame at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com

MBnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-4094173687576768442008-02-13T00:29:00.004-05:002008-02-14T13:51:04.774-05:00

I was awake for 22 hours yesterday, and just before I allowed myself drift into a sweet, sweet chadless world, I got a completely awesome idea for a post. I reached over to the pad and pen I keep by my bedside and wrote it down. Are you ready? Ready? This is so hilarious:"Rugnortim. I O, no borbs."I am so glad I was able to share this important insight with you.Rugnortim UPDATE: It's "

MBnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-28597341829526919922008-02-12T19:35:00.000-05:002008-02-12T21:40:44.386-05:00

I was not looking forward to casting my vote in the Potomac Primaries: Ginger Division. Without getting too political, I'm so disgusted by the choices available, on both sides of the aisle. I saw very little point in voting today, other than to exercise my duty as a citizen of the republic in which I live. However, today was the most wonderful voting experience I've ever had because at my

Josh The Pilothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210441486571821331noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-38934023256071747522008-02-11T22:49:00.000-05:002008-02-12T08:36:40.175-05:00

I would like to know exactly when my nephews found it necessary to refer to me and their perfectly lovely mother as fat heifers.Jim The Small Child Nephew was recently discussing my wedding, and he announced that after the ceremony, "Josh picked up Aunt Beth, and she was heavy." She was also having a wicked good mascara day, but he never says anything about that.The King's baby brother,

MBnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-52272567410250029342008-02-10T00:27:00.000-05:002008-02-10T15:22:06.985-05:00

1) Most Hilariously Gendered Use of Wall-Sized Colored Maps Award: CNN, which keyed counties that went for Barack Obama in dark blue, and Hillary Clinton's in light blue. Because she's a girl, and the girl should have her states the color of Wet 'n' Wild eyeshadow, Pat Benetar Line.Mike Huckabee's districts were tinted a charming pink. I'm not entirely sure what CNN was trying to say there.2)

MBnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-87863736866366287412008-02-09T11:14:00.000-05:002008-02-09T13:22:31.438-05:00

Of all the emotions I experience while watching a shuttle launch on television these days, nostalgia is my least favorite. Having seen many up close, standing near enough to the orbiters to have examined their carbon scars, has ruined me. Some reactions will never change--the pride, the jealousy, the anxiety until the boosters drop--but until the fleet stands down I will always ache to explain

MBnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-28948107568364228002008-02-08T22:27:00.000-05:002008-02-09T11:37:09.430-05:00

There is a new Site Which Is Awesome 'Acause It Hired me: JamsBio.com. Don't go there yet (psychelink!); we're still in beta. When it's live, I'll let you know that the drywall is all nailed up, at which point I hope you will come say hi and click on stuff. Both New Kids On the Block and "Lucille" are involved, you guys. You have to come. You don't even know!JamsBio is a bloggish site which

MBnoreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-51152715159835973052008-02-07T01:46:00.000-05:002008-02-08T01:57:27.169-05:00

Today, in idle conversation--we were discussing, I don't know, raisins--my husband, whom I SLEEP next to, revealed that he is, in fact, one-fourth Canadian.Notthatthere'sanythingwrongwiththat, but isn't this something you should tell a person before you marry her? Shouldn't she be fully apprised of the fact that you may, at any given moment, bust out one quarter of an "eh?" I could have the

MBnoreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-9681946136674052412008-02-06T19:27:00.000-05:002008-02-08T01:57:51.844-05:00

My keen political science major mind will now dissect for you the precise moment when Governor Mitt Romney fell behind in his quest for the Republican nomination: It happened the second he broke out the enormous freaking foam mitts.Anti-Mormon bigotry... abortion stance... tax policies... whatever. It was all about the mitt.Nationally, Mitt is most famous for his work as the CEO of the 2002

MBnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-66003128762199099122008-02-05T11:00:00.000-05:002008-02-06T01:39:33.913-05:00

Okay, Super Tuesday states-- all I ask of you is to keep things interesting. I don't want to be bored next week. For in order to restore the confidence of the American public in the electoral process, the Commonwealth of Virginia has made me its newest election official.I'll be working at the polls at the Virginia primary on February 12, because I want to plunge myself into my new state and

MBnoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-29080252443887278072008-02-03T22:09:00.001-05:002008-02-05T12:20:28.170-05:00

As a Bengals fan, I know that a lot can happen after the 2 minute warning in a Super Bowl. So if I were Eli Manning, I would have spent the entire fourth quarter rolled in a little helmet-covered ball beneath the bench, alternating between sobbing and throwing up.I'm sitting in my little office with my husband, watching our first Super Bowl as married people, 24 hours after a serious and

MBnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-34274672349441375062008-02-01T14:23:00.000-05:002008-02-02T14:29:56.331-05:00

...and still waiting for her to come home.

MBnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-75215996669108087052008-02-01T10:41:00.003-05:002008-02-01T10:51:35.048-05:00

I must say, in that wide field of articles I've written which are accompanied by a large and angry omnivore, this one is my favorite.This paid-for piece was brought to you by trolls who insisted that I have no business as a paid writer.lemonade at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com

MBnoreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-13313514363665502382008-01-31T22:05:00.000-05:002008-01-31T23:31:05.445-05:00

Today I had an e-stack, and a writing application deadline, and cookies to make, and I still hadn't had my usual self-directed hating time by noon. This called for the Mighty Mighty Crock Pot. In went the chicken, basil, and many oversplashes of white wine. I turned it on, petted my good friend there on the counter, and retreated to my office.When I emerged five hours later, it was to... room

MBnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-43094188943342753102008-01-30T22:21:00.000-05:002008-02-10T16:04:51.774-05:00

I never particularly wanted a brother, big or otherwise, until I first gained one through Julie The NephewMama's marriage. This went tolerably well, and I then exercised complete veto control over two I gathered last year as I made my own way through the husband selection process. I highly recommend brother-choosing over brother-foisting, if you haven't already exercised this option.My own

MBnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-44026342799868860202008-01-29T19:05:00.000-05:002008-01-30T12:41:48.093-05:00

It's a ways to go before Super PoliDork-o-Rama Tuesday, and I'm running out of stomach lining. This is the first election of my lifetime in which an incumbent President or VP isn't on either ticket, and even though my pills and I agreed to step off, I cannot. I'm still holding to my vow to not opinion-hurl in this space, but that doesn't mean I don't have a very serious conversation about

MBnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-60407714188954009112008-01-28T20:17:00.000-05:002008-02-10T16:02:30.444-05:00

Despite my maiden surname, I have no British blood, and the closest I've been to England is having gained, via reading many Regency-era novels, the knowledge that one is supposed to refer to the mother of a duke as "Her Grace The Dowager Duchess." At the Kennedy Space Center, we educators used to fight over who got the visitors from England; when arrayed in folding chairs before a scale model of

MBnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-54108954535576182562008-01-27T17:24:00.000-05:002008-01-27T17:34:55.246-05:00

If you or anyone you know were saved by a smoke detector, or are in any way impressed by the moon landing, thank the sacrifice of these three men.It's a little-known story, but you should read it.

MBnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-20001840947837325172008-01-26T13:16:00.000-05:002008-01-26T13:17:37.298-05:00

Twenty-one years on.

MBnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-23331443021745147632008-01-25T23:08:00.000-05:002008-01-26T16:29:49.093-05:00

Six months after leaving the classroom, I've discovered something new about my former students at the University of Airplanes, and what made them so... them. You see, I was forever begging them to avoid the second person in formal writing... to never, ever, engage in comma abuse... to avoid cliches and any phrase one might hear in a commencement address, particularly any variation of "Since the

MBnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-34666983258535724252008-01-24T00:59:00.000-05:002008-02-05T12:28:39.716-05:00

I would like someone to explain why I, quite the most unphotogenic person I know, tend to sit for perfectly lovely driver's license pictures. Wedding day? Eye-bags and pimples. Four hours in the DMV? The very morning dew!And I'm not even in a good mood when this happens; I am, as I was recently, just through the state-level bureaucracy wringer. It was two tries to make myself exist here in

MBnoreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-36059218135166992052008-01-23T08:52:00.000-05:002008-01-24T22:49:33.440-05:00

Those of you who are planning to join us in Udvar-Hazying this Saturday, please email media@drinktothelasses.com so we know how many cookies and bars of gold to bring.UPDATE: Sorry, but we've had to move the event date to the spring, kids. Thou must wait for the cookies.

MBnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-84070295601061206642008-01-22T11:35:00.000-05:002008-01-22T19:35:45.601-05:00

Those of you The Readers who have been with Blonde Champagne from the beginning--and I mean the beginning beginning, when there were hurricanes and rollerblades and pina coladas--may remember my roller rink, which was the across the street from The Blonde Bachelorette Pad in the Central Swamp. On pretty much a daily basis, I spun around and around the drop-off circle of a middle school.Which, as

MBnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-34042219697805877742008-01-21T08:59:00.000-05:002008-01-21T09:05:53.751-05:00

"If the cops come to my house... okay, if the cops come? Rob is still on probation, because he was keeping a bear in his apartment."Also, an Irony UPDATE: Yesterday I was filling out in information packet, and I had to get up and look at my college diploma to check the spelling of magna cum laude.thinking the two are connected somehow at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com

MBnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-82093989046346575602008-01-18T07:42:00.000-05:002008-01-21T08:54:14.079-05:00

This photograph of me and Jim The Small Child Nephew has been digitally in the back pocket of my laptop since Thanksgiving. The plan was to write a short, cheerful post about the fact that it captures a dream manifesting itself in the parking lot of the Cincinnati Zoo; for years, I have envisioned myself calling, "Stay with Aunt Beth!" and holding out a hand for a Small Child such as this to

MBnoreply@blogger.com46tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-42402922596302128382008-01-17T22:51:00.000-05:002008-01-17T23:21:19.022-05:00

We're gonna kick it Udvar-Hazy style, aw yeah.shuttlin' ain't easy at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com

MBnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-10167577312669730352008-01-16T21:59:00.000-05:002008-01-17T23:02:32.241-05:00

Oh... he tried. But not even Josh The Pilot can conquer The Horrible Birthday Karma (new The Readers, here's a primer.) I like mountains, so Josh The Pilot attempted to bring me atop one when I turned thirty-one.But the mountain was closed. Mountains do close, apparently.Well... that's OK. I like fermented grapes, too, so he took me to a winery.But the winery was... this bustling complex.Here's

MBnoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-9543135647709172072008-01-15T20:32:00.001-05:002008-01-15T20:33:14.342-05:00

Lime Time!my bridesmaids' dresses were ice blue with bell sleeves, and nobody has ever worn them again at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com

MBnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-16229544497473872782008-01-15T09:13:00.000-05:002008-01-15T20:34:23.991-05:00

The day of my birth: Downright miraculous.That people wanted to take me home, anyway.(click to enlarge)thanks for pushing at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com

MBnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-68458699860192721192008-01-14T17:57:00.000-05:002008-01-15T00:00:38.312-05:00

We are now in the Days of Birthday Karma, and with great trepidation I opened my email box today to find an invitation to appear as the keynote speaker of my alma mater's National Honor Society Banquet in May. Good, right?Or... not. Because this means the following:1) The standards that Mother of Mercy High School applies to gathering role models have clearly dipped to alarmingly low levels.

MBnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-82281941101368568842008-01-12T22:32:00.001-05:002008-01-14T13:31:24.137-05:00

By order of our bank accounts, my gym membership currently consists of the workout DVDs I've amassed over the years. They have titles like Your Wedding Workout and We Bet You Ate a Sandwich Today, You Fat, Fat Pig. The latest offered an introduction from cherry Instructor Lady whose accent varied, within one sentence, from Southern, to British, to Kiwi, to Boston College, and back beneath the

MBnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-29589001388072625732008-01-11T18:30:00.001-05:002008-01-11T18:44:56.408-05:00

You are hereby out of the cage and into the Tasting Room.Have a glass.unfettered at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com

MBnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-44835405452675052082008-01-10T10:54:00.000-05:002008-01-11T21:24:18.309-05:00

Appearing at Events Update: I'll be speaking on the workings of the space shuttle at 10 AM on Saturday, January 26, at Our Lady Of Hope Catholic Church in Potomac Falls, VA. Following that, I'll continue the lecture beneath the nose of Enterprise at the Udvar-Hazy wing of the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum. All of this involves a blowtorch and the phrase "mating the tank," so you pretty much

MBnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-60618579823202826872008-01-09T21:56:00.000-05:002008-01-10T22:43:40.870-05:00

I'd like everyone to meet the label I just peeled off my latest bottle of fluvoxamine."CALL DOCTOR IF YOU EXPERIENCE MOOD CHANGES, SADNESS, DEPRESSION, OR FEAR."Dear bottle:If I weren't experiencing mood changes, sadness, depression, or fear, I WOULDN'T NEED YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE.Love,me

MBnoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-18724687702475541722008-01-08T21:34:00.000-05:002008-01-08T23:49:09.755-05:00

Having spent two and a half consecutive days in the state of New Hampshire about nine years ago, I can with 100% confidence declare the following, fellow Americans:1) Just once, I would like to see an acceptance or concession speech that doesn't look like it's being delivered at the opening session of the Mid-Central Professional Management Corporate Training Synergization Seminar.2) Tonight's

MBnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-72460092220857503052008-01-07T21:23:00.000-05:002008-01-08T17:45:42.168-05:00

Jim The Small Child Nephew and Will The Baby Nephew are now of an age when we can toss them around without worrying that their heads will fall off. So that's what Josh The Pilot and I did on our last visit, flinging about one nephew apiece. Then we'd trade, switching them mid-air like little blonde juggling clubs.What you see here is an attempt to face both of them in the same direction at the

MBnoreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-89694625893387007222008-01-05T22:18:00.000-05:002008-01-07T22:57:18.883-05:00

In honor of the Iowa caucus, after thirty years of watching The Music Man, I'm finally seeing it as God and Meredeth Willson intended. Much like when I beheld 1776 in widescreen for the first time, I gathered all sorts of details that were chopped away by pan-and-scan; River City, for example, actually extends more than one inch on either side of Ron Howard's head. Entire houses and storefronts

MBnoreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-42355638516864172342008-01-03T01:20:00.000-05:002008-01-04T01:51:21.466-05:00

I am hereby sticking to my promise to avoid political writing by highlighting only the most vital news out of Iowa tonight: the sight of Chuck Norris and his neon white teeth--there is such a thing as neon white teeth, and Chuck Norris has them-- LOOMING LOOMING LOOMING over Mike Huckabee's left shoulder during the caucus victory speech. Chuck Norris had decreed that Huckabee shall win Iowa!

MBnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-90343979030003763462008-01-02T23:26:00.000-05:002008-01-07T13:41:30.421-05:00

For my first post of 2008, I wish to discuss a very serious issue.This was clipped from a December womens' magazine, and I am greatly troubled that our society has reached the point at which we must provide pictorial step-by-step explanations of how to achieve mall hair. Is this not included with the power to ovulate? The only difference between the women of the '80's and the rest of humanity

MBnoreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-89015798439625300692007-12-31T22:01:00.000-05:002007-12-31T22:34:43.685-05:00

Let us review the highlights of 2007:1) I was Princess Center of Attention MYYYYYYYYYYY SPECIAL DAY BRIDE2) As you well know, pretty much nothing else matters.Thank you for your friendship and readership. I hope your remaining two hours of 2007 are the best two hours of the year. We are putting the decals on our Life board game, because nobody parties like two newlyweds on their first New

MBnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-6727564434306276612007-12-30T19:02:00.000-05:002007-12-30T19:28:54.661-05:00

I've been told wives remember everything their husbands do and say, good or bad. I married Mary Beth because she's the rare one who doesn't bring up past faults during an argument, and simply thanks me for the things I've done for her. This Christmas Tink showed me once again why I have no reason to think we won't make it long term: she gave me a surround sound system for the man-cave!

Josh The Pilothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210441486571821331noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-57258273133479236802007-12-28T21:54:00.000-05:002008-01-07T13:42:29.052-05:00

The Dick Cheney Memorial Christmas Tree is up, and it will stay up through Epiphany, because I love Christmas and the Dick Cheney Memorial Christmas Tree was a world-class pain in the crack to construct.Because it came in a box, we had to unbend the needles and branches from their fresh-from-nature position, which was exactly parallel to the shiny metal trunk. And because people are idiots, we

MBnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-55574277818392433672007-12-27T23:20:00.000-05:002008-01-03T01:49:51.331-05:00

This year's White House Christmas theme, of which I heartily approve, is Holiday in the National Parks. Also known as "The Parts of America Which Will Kill You Without All That Unnecessary Human Intervention."I watch White House Christmas on HGTV every single year, because it is craft porn. What this show does is follow the process of decorating the White House, all the while insinuating that

MBnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-14143511368468966992007-12-26T02:16:00.000-05:002007-12-28T00:16:05.219-05:00

Warning: This post contains graphic nudityI made a grocery run on Christmas Eve Day, and nearly walked directly into the ladder of a Friendly Customer Service Team Member Associate, who was very busy removing all the Christmas decorations. Good. Make sure the Easter egg dye is good and dusty by Ash Wednesday.I was there to obtain salad, because the house was alarmingly full of sugared objects.

MBnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-48629415641676957242007-12-24T21:20:00.000-05:002007-12-24T21:23:56.083-05:00

I wish all of you-- new The Readers, old The Readers, bypassers on the cyberhighway-- a very blessed Christmas. May the Christ Child surround and infuse you with His Love.adoring Him at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com

MBnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-91441511064530835892007-12-23T23:18:00.000-05:002007-12-25T09:45:59.955-05:00

Dear People Who Don't Understand That My Most Recent MSNBC.com Article Is, In Fact, a Satire:Exactly three people have emailed to express their disagreement. I sent each one a reply. Two wrote back immediately to apologize and admit that they'd misunderstood the piece. One copped to reading it too quickly, which interfered with his comprehension. I may yet hear from the third, as I answered

MBnoreply@blogger.com23tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-50264931385451148622007-12-22T11:15:00.001-05:002007-12-23T11:17:44.512-05:00

Perhaps to rectify The Jeff Gordon Who Ate The Baby Jesus, an extraordinarily kind gift has arrived from Red Pill Junkie The Reader. It is a beautiful Nativity set, complete with cow:However, since this Holy Family was mailed from Red Pill Junkie's home in Mexico, they created their own immigration crisis. First the international shipping of it all presented a red-tape problem; then Fed-Ex

MBnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-44434118115112453902007-12-22T09:15:00.000-05:002008-02-05T10:28:29.172-05:00

Good morning, The Readers and above quote from Ron White! Do we have room for an email?Well! There's an infinitely expanding white box here that says... we do.An email from The Reader who identifies him or herself as "*Fan*" writes:"I am so curious to know what you think of all the Christmas-time jewelry commercials on TV right now...?"Thanks for writing, "*Fan*." Well, *Fan*, (I need to get

MBnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-91241221701519153202007-12-20T13:17:00.001-05:002007-12-20T13:44:25.672-05:00

I really mean it this time. Unlike last time.all together now at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com

MBnoreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-68531418650548897932007-12-20T02:49:00.000-05:002007-12-21T01:09:42.734-05:00

I had a phone audience with The King yesterday, in which he announced, "I was in time out."As his aunt, it is my job to comfort Jim The Small Child Nephew when the outside world dares to offend; besides, it is the proper time of year for The Airing Of Grievances. So I feigned disbelief and listened as he described how he delivered his own personal Feat of Strength in the form of hurling a cup of

MBnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-54458168355185209222007-12-19T02:06:00.000-05:002007-12-21T00:30:14.558-05:00

Most of you within sight of this page have probably never heard of Cincinnati's Ruth Lyons, America's first talk show hostess. She singlehandedly invented the format. Without her, there is no Oprah. She was better than Oprah. Tom Cruise would not have jumped up and down on Ruth's couch. Ruth would have clocked him with the bunches of flowers she carried around with her to hide her

MBnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-59657109623589209812007-12-18T23:26:00.000-05:002007-12-19T09:59:41.094-05:00

We're so glad you've finally come to accept Donner as he really is.NOTE TO THE READERS: Sorry that I don't have a link yet... I just wanted to provide a nice, soft landing for new The Readers who clicked from the piece overnight, but the article is taking longer to go live than I thought. I'm not sure why it's held over, but I have a fairly solid suspicion that breaking news quite vital to the

MBnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-68843200881736446822007-12-17T22:27:00.000-05:002007-12-19T15:01:11.383-05:00

This is the first year I've had a big-girl Christmas tree of my very own that does not involve batteries or for-illegal-drugs-only fiberoptic shifting, so it was important to find the correct one.By which I mean "made in China." Real trees terrify me; the responsibility is horrific. Last month I dreamed that I had a baby, which I kept in a dresser drawer and never remembered to feed. I woke up

MBnoreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-72147097405286283272007-12-14T00:47:00.000-05:002007-12-18T03:02:31.225-05:00

In my first Christmas as a married lady, I struggled for days decorate our new home with a respectful mixture of old traditions and new tackiness. So the ornaments from the year I was born went right next to the great globs of 47 cent tinsel from Wal-Mart.We have new stockings, which we hung with care by the over the pressed-wood board supported by aluminum brackets. Santa can fill them after

MBnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-9983187840377379522007-12-13T00:22:00.000-05:002007-12-13T20:51:35.833-05:00

Several of you have asked Mary Beth how to send cards, gifts, and books for autographing. Yes, pretty much all the above can be done online, but it's nice to be old fashioned every once in awhile, isn't it?We'd like to give you an address. It's especially useful for those of you who would like your copy of Drink To The Lasses autographed. Wait... you say you don't have a copy yet? What is

Josh The Pilothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210441486571821331noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-66374245788041257862007-12-12T23:16:00.000-05:002007-12-13T00:01:39.500-05:00

I am buried under another eStack, and still feeling a little sick, so for today I've asked JTP to share his recent conversion to coffee drinker status. - MB---------------------------Hi, everyone. My name is Josh, and I'm a coffee drinker. Twenty years ago I swore to myself I would never touch the stuff, but now I have a big-boy job with rotating shifts, and I simply can't take the constant

Josh The Pilothttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04210441486571821331noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-4248164539224856272007-12-11T22:39:00.000-05:002007-12-11T22:52:11.447-05:00

Many thanks to all for your node-related comments and emails. Life is less swollen today, but hardly more energetic; I was wiped out by a trip to the post office, but that may have more to do with the post office, which unleashes fresh forms of purgatory with each visit, than with any particular life-sapping virus.I am stunned to have completed Christmas decorating before the fourth week of

MBnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-49282067059814662802007-12-10T11:15:00.000-05:002007-12-10T11:18:21.570-05:00

This is my post today since I am, as SportsCenter would announce, out with a node. But you-- you go get yourself a cookie. little lump under the covers at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com

MBnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-33406763875498535432007-12-07T16:30:00.000-05:002007-12-07T16:32:43.389-05:00

It still matters.

MBnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-61615362121925267152007-12-07T15:26:00.000-05:002007-12-07T16:58:51.090-05:00

I've been curious to see how my body would adapt to its first winter in five years, and this week I got the answer: It will sacrifice the lymph nodes.Those of you who have read my book (don't tell me if you haven't; I'll just feel rejected and you'll just feel guilty) are aware of my titanic battle with a tonsil abscess. A lymph node infection kind of feels like that, only slightly less like

MBnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-3418160948700754462007-12-05T23:00:00.000-05:002007-12-07T19:17:21.926-05:00

We have achieved the perfect geek storm for Christmas: The next Rifftrax will be The Star Wars Holiday Special.This steaming pile aired when I was all of a year old, so I don't remember much of it except for all the weeping and rioting that followed. But I have seen it, thanks to eBay, and now it shall be tied to MSTiedom, forever. The Internet: The gift that just won't stop regurgitating the

MBnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-75487152141985898932007-12-04T20:20:00.000-05:002007-12-18T03:09:14.813-05:00

Upon viewing Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer as a married thirty-year-old lady, one notices stuff that one did not notice the first twenty-nine times around. Rudoph and Pac-Man were my first true loves (dissect and shudder over that as you will) but, having moved on to 1) human beings 2) who actually exist, I am now able to watch Rudolph as a fully actualized person might.I said might.The Rudolph

MBnoreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-82559197456163841862007-12-03T22:05:00.000-05:002007-12-05T03:59:22.191-05:00

Dear People Responsible For Desperate Housewives:Many congratulations on your creation of the World's Least Realistic Tornado. I would love to know what sort of otherworldly weather dome hovers over Wisteria Lane, such that people in the path of a tornado have an entire day's warning in the form of a wind machine slowly ramping up over a 24-hour period from "suspiciously breezy day" to "WHAT?!

MBnoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-62935515744534404702007-12-01T00:31:00.000-05:002007-12-03T10:55:19.312-05:00

When I was a little girl in Catholic grade school, I received not catechism classes but the choreography to "If I Were a Butterfly (I'd Thank You, Lord, For Giving Me Wings)" from a record album entitled Hi God! It's another piece of the puzzle, isn't it?That link, incidentally, includes a brief audio sample of said butterfly ruminations, but it doesn't do justice to the hand motions, which,

MBnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-20944166434474375502007-11-29T02:00:00.000-05:002007-11-30T12:36:06.763-05:00

For someone who talks a big Rosary Ranger game, it's difficult for me to actually pray the thing on my own. Put a Rosary in my hands and the attention span shortens to that of a flea that just fell into one of those person-sized Pixy Stix. It's one of maybe two activities I'm actually better at in a group setting; somebody else has to count, others are there to keep things moving, the guy next

MBnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-32388741792977774802007-11-28T23:34:00.000-05:002007-11-30T12:31:03.198-05:00

Most of you have probably seen that most requested of holiday gifts, the highly disturbing Jesus Is My Coach line of figurines. We Catholics have had a bead on this SportsCenter For Youth Jesus for at least two Popes now; I owned, in my youth, a muted pastel picture of the Messiah joyfully elbowing a second-grader out of way to get to a soccer ball. While wearing His sandals. Because He's the

MBnoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-75263472234676570392007-11-27T20:20:00.000-05:002007-11-29T00:10:07.124-05:00

Two things.THING THE FIRST: The Cellar looks different, I know. Many have written in support of that spiffy new-old banner up there, created last year by Red Pill Junkie The Reader. (As if I could do anything remotely so competent.) For some reason just about everyone seems to prefer this banner to the one which was there before, which, as one The Reader indicated, closely resembled

MBnoreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-89991965431719012012007-11-26T00:40:00.000-05:002007-11-29T00:13:21.847-05:00

I saw Transfomers recently under Rifftrax duress, and we must agree that it takes some tryin' to make a movie about cars which fold into robots boring and lame. And yet.... Transformers.I must say I didn't have a great deal invested in the travails of Prime Number and his nemesis MegaDeath, or whatever, as Transformers in its Saturday morning cartoon form was a boy show and therefore

MBnoreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-30094817692572780932007-11-25T03:12:00.000-05:002007-11-27T00:32:39.023-05:00

There's a new title... thing up there, and I know this is all very frightening, but if we pull together, we can get through it.And if you can tell me how to scootch it over to the middle of the page, that would be just outstanding. Scootching is far beyond my poor blog-tampering skeelz.needing to lie down at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com

MBnoreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-91622612697337375482007-11-22T20:49:00.000-05:002007-11-27T00:33:20.865-05:00

Even more, actually.what a difference a year makes at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com

MBnoreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-13728628916722147882007-11-21T02:14:00.000-05:002007-12-05T01:39:32.840-05:00

We have now reached the Holiday Inn Tipping Point, which is the release of a special edition featuring a commentary, which means I had to buy it. For those of you who think that Christmas movies featuring Bing Crosby and horrendously uncomfortable minstrel numbers begins and ends with White Christmas, meet Holiday Inn.Holiday Inn is the film which debuted "White Christmas" (see how this works?)

MBnoreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-8578052740095868412007-11-20T02:42:00.000-05:002007-11-20T14:12:38.468-05:00

You have arrived at the most dramatic website ever.Remember this? Well, it all came down, horribly, to this.having strong feelings for you at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com

MBnoreply@blogger.com30tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-83582258733226510352007-11-19T13:24:00.000-05:002007-11-19T13:29:25.059-05:00

Our princes have come.P.S. Yes, I know that Prince Humperdink was not the character in question to have six fingers. It was actually Fred Savage.

MBnoreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-30369920410679967302007-11-18T23:49:00.000-05:002007-11-20T02:03:34.389-05:00

I heard the news while I was, ironically, driving away from the first home I ever knew: Joe Nuxhall was dead. I had to explain who he was to Josh The Pilot, who is from a different home.He'd been broadcasting almost as long as I've been alive, which meant that for a fourth-grader who dreaded nothing more than the next morning at school, his gravelly voice was a friend in the dark hours when I

MBnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-37633105062713827132007-11-15T20:36:00.000-05:002007-11-15T21:07:37.296-05:00

Today I was attempting to film a product demo for a client, and went the usual distance before mucking the entire enterprise. I wouldn't doubt it if stocks drop immediately. tadah at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com

MBnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-38551540832769190652007-11-14T01:25:00.000-05:002007-11-15T10:12:03.487-05:00

Ah, The Nelson has spoken.For those of you interested in the pre-edited article that was originally submitted and which actually contains adjectives, along with a full transcript of this, look at that.pushing the button at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com

MBnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-60173467415307626622007-11-13T22:05:00.000-05:002007-11-14T15:07:16.688-05:00

Jim The Small Child Nephew is beginning to conduct coherent phone conversations, although not necessarily in the same call. Often he will bring items to the phone he has made in preschool so that I can see them, which means that he's fully inherited my critical thinking skills.Should you wish to listen in:CALL THE FIRSTJulie The Nephews Mama: Do you want to talk to Aunt Beth?Jim The Small Child

MBnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-23108602927124227852007-11-11T01:23:00.000-05:002007-11-12T03:23:21.586-05:00

Thanks to Dad, and Dan The Brother-In-Law, and Country The Brother-In-Law, and everyone else's service academies who beat Notre Dame for the first time since there was a world war on and all anybody could recruit for the football teams were, like, ficus trees.A return to Normandy. Because we need it.not going to the Macy's sale at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com

MBnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-59481424985427632962007-11-10T14:45:00.000-05:002007-11-14T03:46:08.693-05:00

For the second time, an Object de Dorkiness is manifesting as a career rung. Behold the power of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its fame spawn, Michael J. Nelson.The Nelson cemented himself in my heart the night a friend and I drank an entire six-pack of cider, immediately followed by several white Russians. Mixing + beer before liquoring= several hours of praying for death.But while we lay

MBnoreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-61178592225481449292007-11-08T20:12:00.000-05:002007-11-11T02:21:16.065-05:00

I do so apologize for the lack of postage yesterday, but I was busy gearing up for SOMETHING SO OUTRAGEOUSLY AWESOME I CAN'T EVEN TYPE ABOUT IT WITHOUT SQUEEING. I'll be able to tell you in a couple of days. It's not a big deal to the world at large, as most personal big deals are, but is the type of thing that has had me running in very small, excited circles for several hours.Josh The Pilot

MBnoreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-25855480744458341172007-11-06T21:30:00.001-05:002007-11-07T11:51:25.945-05:00

I'm getting exactly the amount of love I expected from 1000 words concerning which housewife a certain suburban-based show should kill off. Dudes, kill Edie, not the messenger.or Susan, I wouldn't be at all upset if Susan and Edie threw one another over a great big cliff at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com

MBnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-62478157699143051422007-11-05T11:18:00.000-05:002007-11-05T14:53:52.714-05:00

I'm aiming for a columnist job--not saying any more than that, jinxies and all--and was wondering if you, my vaunted The Readers, had any nominations for sample pieces which might be included in the application package. I'm already leaning towards Aunt Beth (which I originally wrote about a decade ago, long before I actually became an aunt, and still pet the fair head of) and I (Heart) the

MBnoreply@blogger.com27tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-24397273333936689782007-11-03T00:21:00.000-04:002007-11-04T23:17:20.850-05:00

I have known Country The Brother-In-Law for-- oh, it's going on fifteen years now. That's half the time I have been alive. Of those fifteen years, he has never, not once, picked up a phone and dialed my number.Until, of course, 6:20 PM today. I didn't even recognize his number on the caller ID, and when he identified himself on the other end, my initial impression was either that somebody was

MBnoreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-77675090896949322602007-11-01T00:23:00.000-04:002007-11-02T00:28:33.345-04:00

I am pleased to report that Skittles were happily had, most everyone remained upright......and Will The Small Child Nephew seems to be on the Irony Accelerated Track.so very, very proud at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com

MBnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-85599200489329265582007-10-31T22:51:00.000-04:002007-10-31T22:55:38.537-04:00

May you not end the evening as Jim The Small Child Nephew did last year:it's just worth seeing again at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com

MBnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-23413225256393664162007-10-30T00:38:00.000-04:002007-10-31T13:19:58.768-04:00

I've never written about Notre Dame football as much as this season. It's not a matter of piling on a WE SUCK! bandwagon; the epic badness of it all just fascinates me-- and wraps me like a well-known, beat-up blanket. You are reading the words of a person who grew up in Cincinnati. Losing records go for seasons and seasons. They are as a brithright; we develop sports fortitude in the womb.

MBnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-91392902003079382862007-10-29T00:34:00.000-04:002007-11-10T22:28:46.602-05:00

If you've ever wondered what I'd sound like as a British person, complete with extra u's, here's your chance. This interview was conducted last week in the wake of this MSNBC.com article which demanded to know where George Lucas went. (One Lightsabre reader's reaction: "That MSNBC lady is a freak. The whole article scared me.") BOO! Scary MB, with her terrifying adjectives and frightening

MBnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-65294599324373765882007-10-26T23:09:00.000-04:002007-10-26T23:12:09.772-04:00

"He's gotta find the right stroke to beat The Monster."Rockies, Rockies, Rockies at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com

MBnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-35202185209596386962007-10-25T19:31:00.000-04:002007-10-25T20:43:00.794-04:00

There will not be an actual post today, as I am trapped beneath an eStack. I'm an independent essay evaluator for a local school district, which has all the awesomeness of failing people without the unpleasant side effect of listening to the whining of the person who has just failed. It's kind of like jury duty, only with way, way more comma splices.If you don't hear from me, it's because I've

MBnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-37218589771830940172007-10-24T22:18:00.001-04:002007-10-29T00:55:53.480-04:00

You may well ask, as we often do, "What hath God wrought that is fearful in the world of pastel candies?"I give unto you: Unworldly Huge Smarties.That's my own scale-providing hand there. I tried to take a picture of the 'Roid Smarties alone in their disturbing hugeness, but it just looked like I zoomed in for an extremely tight Glamour Shot and tried to put one big blonde one over on you, my

MBnoreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-91551038741872178072007-10-23T22:30:00.000-04:002007-11-04T01:45:57.504-04:00

I've been wondering what the Official Horrible Decoration of the 2007 Christmas season would be. It's difficult to top the Frosty That Ate The Baby Jesus of 2005, but then I saw this in full rotation at the Home Depot:Now THAT'S how to worship the newborn Savior! Rotating nylon as big as all outdoors!But there's an even more disturbing entry. For the past several months I've been noticing the

MBnoreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-68712962465801555582007-10-22T00:52:00.000-04:002007-10-25T21:08:48.164-04:00

My lovelies, I wish to bring to your attention that we now have... Official Policy! Since some misunderstand why I moderate comments, and new The Readers are often unaware of the MB Happy Place Rules, today I added the following to the commenting function:Welcome to the Champagne Tasting Room! Please drink responsibly. Comments are moderated so as to ensure your own protection from splog and

MBnoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-56503374616106021682007-10-19T23:20:00.001-04:002007-10-22T11:57:48.910-04:00

Tomorrow launches a five-game homestand for Notre Dame, and the only thing worse than seeing your team lose in the bitter cold is seeing it happen five times in a row.Yea, verily, there is nothing like a home game and I miss them like my college-era ladder abs. But oy, those long stretches, especially near the end of the season, were like a Marathon O' Fun that ended about eight miles back, and

MBnoreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-79859042947122416652007-10-18T20:49:00.000-04:002007-10-18T20:50:59.166-04:00

Just when the healing begins, another wound rips wiiiiiiiiiide open.cell block 1138 at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com

MBnoreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-27132491587508008372007-10-17T16:02:00.000-04:002007-10-19T17:21:29.405-04:00

Meet my new desktop wallpaper. It is a Jim The Small Child Nephew Original.Of course, I had a gallery preview. We spoke on the phone last week and there was a sudden pause in his usual announcements concerning trucks and cake."Colors!" he said."He's showing you the picture he made in preschool," his mother added in the background, and I immediately praised his genius, how the composition,

MBnoreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-72107754999892214622007-10-15T15:44:00.000-04:002007-10-15T17:59:22.291-04:00

This one goes out to all the Lutherans, and your impressive deploy of doughnuts. The Catholic Church is about 500 years behind you, pastry-wise. We have much to learn from our Protestant brethren where glaze is concerned.At Josh's church, there's this window right on the side wall, with this outstanding concession stand-style sliding cover. During the service, the window remains reverently

MBnoreply@blogger.com28tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5678945.post-1998909131651702232007-10-13T13:55:00.000-04:002007-10-13T13:57:05.345-04:00

You don't need no SIRIUS to be joining the Klinger Catholic OCD Party! Auido of my Personally Speaking interview is here. My Mozilla didn't feel the love, so you may need to open the Internet sewer that is IE to hear it. Sorry.My portion of the program starts at 13:19. The aforementioned Can I Help You Guy and his suit shows up in the background around 22:40, which is immediately followed by

MBnoreply@blogger.com4